motherhood

i didn’t get enough time (on miscarriage & mother’s day)

I’ve been aching to write about our miscarriages for so long now, years even, but I was really never sure what I wanted to say or couldn’t quite put it into words. I thought this Mother’s Day might be a good place to start. I know my story may be different than yours because I have two children, or maybe it’s the same, but all I know is that we’ve both lost, and we’re both Moms.

For me it was July 2013 and May 2015. I’ll never forget the way I felt when I found out I was pregnant and then when I found out that I wasn’t anymore. It all happened so quickly. From the two little pink lines to the hospital gowns and the never ending tests that told me what I already knew. I didn’t get enough time.

I didn’t get enough time to make an official announcement to the world. I didn’t get enough time to hear your heartbeat.  I didn’t get enough time to see my belly grow. I didn’t get enough time to start your baby book. I didn’t get enough time to come up with a thousand baby names that my husband would hate. I didn’t get enough time to see you wave to us on the ultrasound. I didn’t get enough time to feel the kicks and jabs from your little arms and legs. I didn’t get enough time to complain about my back hurting or the lack of room my bladder was getting. I didn’t get enough time to get your room ready. I didn’t get enough time to eat ice cream and pickles without being judged. I didn’t get enough time to prepare for your arrival. I didn’t get enough time to imagine what you would look like. I didn’t get enough time to hold you in my arms. There just wasn’t enough time.

I’m sorry if you didn’t get enough time. You are not alone, even though it might feel like it. I promise you’re not. I also know that you may be hurting this Mother’s Day, and that’s okay. You are allowed to feel any way you want to about Mother’s Day.  You’re allowed to avoid social media for as long as you want. You’re allowed to talk about your baby as much as you want. You’re allowed to stay silent and act like it never happened. Whatever you choose, I’m still celebrating you. You are a Mom. And you are strong. And you are perfect.

For those of you who have babies, happy mother’s day.
For those of you who’ve lost babies, happy mother’s day.
For those of you waiting for your babies, happy mother’s day.

“No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you’re the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.” – Kristen Proby

As I always say, we are all in this together mamas.

xo.

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